Thoughtful Wanderings

When it seems like you are choking on the red pill and life feels an awful lot like you tripped and now you are tumbling head first down the rabbit hole the only thing left to do is hope that at the end of the tornado you’ll find a pure spot tucked away somewhere inside yourself.  In times like this the only thing left to do is give.  A pair of magic slippers wouldn’t hurt either and maybe a scare crow, lion, and a tin man.  After all of the gifts have been given,  friends made, and stories conquered, in the end you can’t help but wonder if it was all worth it.  Was it worth following the white rabbit after all?  Was life truly lived and was the story honestly told?  And….will there be a sequel?

It probably all started on that day.  There they stood, the five of them, and my enemy.  She had that outfit, the one with the polka dots.  The perfect match of material and school girl socks.  And those damn shiny black peddle pushers? What were those called?

I reached my hand around to my back pack and pulled out my sun glasses.  My eye was still pulsating from yesterday’s fight.  I put my sun glasses on and let the sun do its thing.  I wasn’t backing down.  I looked to my left and I almost doubled over laughing.  The smile on her face was killing me.  She thought this was way too much fun.  She kept saying that.  And I couldn’t help but wonder how many screws she had loose.  We were going to be friends a long time.  I knew it then.  Even on the play ground, I knew it.

To my right was the smelly one.  We tried to tell her that the perfume wasn’t working for her, all she needed was a bath but she wasn’t getting it.  I held my breath and patted her on the back.  She was going to be beautiful, I wasn’t worried.

We all knew we didn’t have much time.  The teachers were on to us but I had a feeling….. I looked over to where the playground attendants usually stand.  There they were looking at a weed growing out of a crack in the sidewalk.  It was the principle we had to worry about.

Yesterday he pulled me to the side by my pony tail.  “I’m on to you, you little shit.”  He said.  “I know this is an act.”  Then he let go of my pig tail.  My hair whacked me in my face.  I waited for the tears to come.  I used to cry a lot. Then I saw something in his eyes that made me pause.  Or maybe it was that little bit of snot that was accumulating in the corner of his nose.  I am not sure but something in me snapped.  It was an awe ha moment.  He was the principle, the man, the boss, but he was also an ass hole.

I put on my best school girl smile.  “Mr. Blank not sure what you are talking about my dad tells me we need to up my meds.”  I stood there for a moment.  Thought of how much power I needed to put into my head swing when I walked away for my pig tail to hit him just right and  poke him in the eye.  Because don’t you hate it when that happens, when a piece of sharp hair pokes you in the eye-ball?  But then he sneezed and oh my gosh.  Yuck… snot right in my face.

He looked down at me his eyes wide.  Then he stood straight up and smiled.  “Get out of here.”

It was almost like the elements were orchestrating the moment with us.    A cloud moved and then another.  With in seconds the sky was covered in a gooey grayness.

A vibration of energy moved through the playground.  The tether ball kids, the gymnast tricksters on the monkey bars, the hopscotch queens, the wow how many bugs can we burn up with this magnifying glass kids, the kissing tag boys, the whole playground, turned towards the baseball diamond.  A wind blew up a tornado of dust.  That part might be exaggerated but I like to remember things this way.

I spit the dirt out of my mouth.  I’ve got to stop breathing with my mouth open.

We all stood there frozen–shocked by the binding current that weighed down the air we were all breathing.

Even the teachers left the mutant weed to watch the playground.  One teacher had her back up against the lunch room door like she was on look out duty.

I looked back to my enemies.  The wind picked up.  A haggle of birds cut through the sky.  The clouds grew darker.  Where did the sun go?

I smoothed down my plaid skirt and looked down at my moon boots.  My dad laughed this morning when I walked out the door.  I told him I was comfortable.  Now I couldn’t get those moon boots to walk.  I clicked my heels together.

A girl off to the left, barely still in my eye’s view, twirled around a monkey bar.  One of the bug boys looked down at the bug he had been torturing.  Another girl let go of the tether ball. It made a loud metallic sound when it hit the bar. A few kids jumped out of their skin.  Move now  the voice in my head whispered.

I started walking.  The tears started in the back of my throat.  I can’t do this.  I felt like I would trip over my feet.   Everyone was watching. I didn’t even know what I was going to do.  My ex “friend” stood with her arms crossed.  What I saw in her eyes sort of shocked me.  It was like she was my mirror.  She started walking toward me.  I saw in her face what I felt in my heart.  She was afraid.  She didn’t know what she was doing.

We met in the middle.

We stared at each other.

“We’ll never be friends,” she said.

“I know.”

“You still have those nightmares?”

I nodded. Embarrassed that she knew me.

“Sucks.”

“Yeah,”  I said.

“Junior high is going to be a bitch.”

“Yeah.” I smiled but I was hurting.

We didn’t say much more than that.  We stood there for what seemed like an hour.  She didn’t apologize.  Neither did I.  She didn’t say a word about my black eye.  With out words we agreed on something.  She wouldn’t tell my secrets.  We couldn’t be friends but….

“Horsemann… has a lot of preppies,”  she said.

“Yeah.” I giggled.

“And rich kids.”

“Yeah,” I said

“They hate us.”

I nodded.  We smiled.  Then we turned around and walked back to our friends.  The playground continued as usual.  But there was a binding.  A binding of fear.  We were all scared.  None of us wanted to be alone.  We would stick together through junior high hell but we would never speak of our alliance.